How is it that the person you never spare a thought for always likes you? The person you never saw coming is at your side, dying to spend time with you?
And why is it so horrifying, even as its flattering?
I want to run and hiiidee.
And, opposite that, why is it that the person you always seem to become obsessed with is so aloof towards you? Is that because it is the opposite feeling of that special kind of horror? You are overcome with desire, is that the opposite of horror?
Ugh, I don't want either of those. I just want comfortable companionship. I want you, you want me.
I can't handle emotions out of balance... Especially when you take other's and mine.
And the aim is always wrong. You focus all your attention on one person and the one who comes a knocking is the one directly to the left of the one you wanted.
And, its always a great person that you want to be friends with. Except how do you become friends without sending that message?
GRRRRRRRR. Frustration. This was not my intent when I went out tonight.
6.20.2010
6.16.2010
... Pity
I'm sitting here, feeling like a typical woman sometimes does. Pitiful for myself. Wondering why no one is spending time with me.
Then I take one look and think, "Why would anyone want to?"
I have read that happiness is finding yourself in the world. In work, in people, in life as it is. So we stay in, to find ourselves in the quiet places, and simply relax and exist. And before we can say, What am I doing?, we are feeling pitifully alone and abandoned, forgetting that it was we who did the abandoning, shutting ourselves away. We were looking for ourselves. And we found nothing, because we really did no soul searching. We didn't look out into the world. We didn't do anything. And now we're sad, big surprise.
Its the same with Facebook. I hate Facebook. I have hundreds (yeah, seriously) of friends that I don't want to talk to, don't want to look at pictures of, don't want to connect with at all. But yet I'm drawn to the place where everyone congregates, looking for that place where I belong, and get repeatedly pissed at the infinite nothingness there.
Sex and the City, my favorite show. Great for inspiration or female empowerment. Not great for marathons. No matter that Carrie is going through the same things you are, she's not really there for you. She talks with Miranda for wisdom, Samantha for savvy, Charlotte for sweetness, and you just watch and listen. And learn... what? That you're still on your ass watching them live better (no matter what they say) lives than you.
Please, don't go. I don't mean to whine. Stay, sit with me. If you listen long enough... I'll start to be myself again. You'll see.
Anyway, the exaggeration comes to this...
Every day, ask yourself this. Once, not necessarily morning or evening, just when it occurs to you.
What am I looking for? And where will I find it?
The more simple and honest your answer is, the happier you are. Its not prophetic, just a barometer. Check yourself.
If you wanna be depressive, be depressive. No big deal.
But when you don't wanna be depressive anymore, don't be. Simple as that.
Then I take one look and think, "Why would anyone want to?"
I have read that happiness is finding yourself in the world. In work, in people, in life as it is. So we stay in, to find ourselves in the quiet places, and simply relax and exist. And before we can say, What am I doing?, we are feeling pitifully alone and abandoned, forgetting that it was we who did the abandoning, shutting ourselves away. We were looking for ourselves. And we found nothing, because we really did no soul searching. We didn't look out into the world. We didn't do anything. And now we're sad, big surprise.
Its the same with Facebook. I hate Facebook. I have hundreds (yeah, seriously) of friends that I don't want to talk to, don't want to look at pictures of, don't want to connect with at all. But yet I'm drawn to the place where everyone congregates, looking for that place where I belong, and get repeatedly pissed at the infinite nothingness there.
Sex and the City, my favorite show. Great for inspiration or female empowerment. Not great for marathons. No matter that Carrie is going through the same things you are, she's not really there for you. She talks with Miranda for wisdom, Samantha for savvy, Charlotte for sweetness, and you just watch and listen. And learn... what? That you're still on your ass watching them live better (no matter what they say) lives than you.
Please, don't go. I don't mean to whine. Stay, sit with me. If you listen long enough... I'll start to be myself again. You'll see.
Anyway, the exaggeration comes to this...
Every day, ask yourself this. Once, not necessarily morning or evening, just when it occurs to you.
What am I looking for? And where will I find it?
The more simple and honest your answer is, the happier you are. Its not prophetic, just a barometer. Check yourself.
If you wanna be depressive, be depressive. No big deal.
But when you don't wanna be depressive anymore, don't be. Simple as that.
Summer, the first and the last
om
asatoma sadgamaya
tamasoma jyothirgamaya
mrithyorma amrutangamaya
om shanti, shanti, shanti
For the first time, a post that actually reflects the About Me blurb on my profile!
I'm feeling what summer ought to be every year.
Guilt and responsibility free. Its hitting me that I may never feel that sensation again.
I'm focusing completely on myself, again, guilt free. Its not that I don't get to do that often- I suppose I do, but focusing completely on yourself without guilt or responsibility is an entirely different matter.
How interesting that my selfish indulgence, my search for satisfaction, lead me to the practice of yoga.
I have always wanted to do yoga. Ever since I was ten, I think. I tried it on my own, but I respond much better to an instructor in a class setting.
I purchased a one-month unlimited access membership, with a new member and student discount, for $66.50. I've been four times in four days, and I've already skipped many classes out of need for rest.
I think I am in love.
First of all, I found another physical activity I actually enjoy, the only other being dance. My body feels great, I feel in tune with myself, that I'm doing it right, and heading in a good direction. There's no tough love in yoga, its not anything you need to motivate yourself in order to do. Its no wonder to me now that I could be so distrustful of every workout program I've ever heard, people use every kind of psychological trick imaginable to get themselves to even attempt it. The reward for success just seems cheap to me, do people really care about looking good That Much? I believe in health and fitness for all, but at what cost? If I don't enjoy what I'm doing, I'm wasting my life. Period.
So yoga is a joy for two reasons. Its a joy. And its a joy that's GOOD FOR ME! Can I get a AAAmen?
Second of all, of course yoga is more than an exercise. Its Hinduism at its finest, practically a religion itself. Its worship of the universe, the one consciousness, the instrument we've been given, and so much more. As an acute amateur, I have barely even tapped into the spiritual vastness waiting for me, or the potential I know I have in this way. I'm just stating that this is not some shallow thing for me.
But I have to say, I have never felt happier in my body. And that is a good and spiritual thing in itself.
Not that anyone needs to know, but I skipped my Tuesday at 5:30pm to rest, and got my period at about midnight. Miserable in pain and then hopped up on Midol (caffeine), its late and I'll be missing my 10:00am too. Nevermind, though, there's more classes than I could ask for. I am loving experiencing the different instructors (have had a different one each of my four times)! And the people attending class are just as interesting as anything. I am trying to learn the Sanskrit names for the poses as well as my instructors names! Don't I feel bad about that.
Saturday 10:30, Yoga Basics My first class. Instructor: Peter. Early forties, or possibly just early male pattern baldness. Stocky and strong, large muscles, a very adorable belly, and I found out after class, devastatingly pure almond-copper eyes. He didn't usually teach the basics, so as he struggled to simplify things for us, I thrived in my first experience. Breathing, my body singing, he caught me serenely smiling up at him. He grinned and instructed the room, breathe, Smile. Which he got to saying for the rest of the 75 minutes. Extra satisfaction there. I enjoyed it even more when he demonstrated the advanced level Sun Salutation- with leaping between poses instead of gliding into them. He was so comfortable and strong, I was adoring his body- and his belly. Giggles.
Monday 10:00 Yoga Basics Instructor: Ronnie. Older gent, tall and sinewy. Touchy feely style of teaching. He clearly understands his practice and spirituality, but that is not what I respond best to. I was missing Peter immediately. But yoga is yoga, and if you do it right, you will experience new wonders each time. Even though Ronnie taught us the basics more basically, it was tougher. Slower, more intense, more focused. I was still sore from Saturday, too. Again I had trouble focusing during Savasana, how we end class, flat on our backs for ten minute silent meditation. I figured that would come with time. Eventually I will learn how to focus throughout the entire class instead of just trying to pull off the poses. I experienced my first chanting of Om, and it was very beautiful.
Monday 5:30 Move, Breathe, Glisten. My first mixed-level class (Hey, i only have one month, I have to get the most of it!). Instructor- Mystery woman! I didn't catch her name, but I loved her as soon as she started to speak. Strong personality. Started the class with a beautiful speech about transformation we undergo. It was a little daunting, considering I am at the beginning of my transformation and all of those people were way ahead of me. My first impression of the class was- Huge! The studio was packed with people of all kinds! The challenge was definitely apparent. Nothing totally new, variations of what I had already learned. It was humbling to see much older people schooling me in balance and flexibility. As a young person I also pride myself in being relaxed and focused, but I know that I was nowhere near in the zone, and many people in the room were in a place I want to be right now. I look forward to more lessons to be learned like this.
Tuesday 10:45 am. SORE! Gentle Yoga. Instructor: Donna. Older woman, gentle and fairylike. Wise and understanding soul. The people in there were all women in their forties and up. This class accommodated for fragile bodies. On mats there were chairs for balance and straps for gentle stretching. The yoga was satisfying on my tender muscles, and yes I still found a challenge in the hamstring stretch (my biggest hindrance, I learned quickly). The most wonderful thing about this class was the camaraderie, the womanhood. Like mystery instructor the night before, Donna opened with a beautiful talk about the world spinning around us, and the challenge it is to stay centered and focused. But no matter what happens, we have ourselves, and we can still come to our yoga to give this gift to ourselves so that we can be a gift to the universe. I felt a great connection building in the room, the women sympathizing with each other. Throughout the class there was all kinds of understanding, laughing about bumping into each other, variating poses for greater ease to limited abilities... It was very satisfying. At the end of the class, after Savasana, we sat together and chanted Om again. I listened to Asatoma Sadgamaya for the first time, and was deeply quieted by the mutual connection there. Instead of hauling it out of the studio like the three times before, I hung around, used the restroom, smiling at the women as they left, chatted with Donna for a second, and found myself one of the last ones out.
So, since its five am, I think I'll wait until this evening for my next class. Back to basics, again. My goals are now to work on my foundation, energy, connection, focus, alignment. I believe the strength and flexibility will come.
Goodnight and
Namaste.
asatoma sadgamaya
tamasoma jyothirgamaya
mrithyorma amrutangamaya
om shanti, shanti, shanti
For the first time, a post that actually reflects the About Me blurb on my profile!
I'm feeling what summer ought to be every year.
Guilt and responsibility free. Its hitting me that I may never feel that sensation again.
I'm focusing completely on myself, again, guilt free. Its not that I don't get to do that often- I suppose I do, but focusing completely on yourself without guilt or responsibility is an entirely different matter.
How interesting that my selfish indulgence, my search for satisfaction, lead me to the practice of yoga.
I have always wanted to do yoga. Ever since I was ten, I think. I tried it on my own, but I respond much better to an instructor in a class setting.
I purchased a one-month unlimited access membership, with a new member and student discount, for $66.50. I've been four times in four days, and I've already skipped many classes out of need for rest.
I think I am in love.
First of all, I found another physical activity I actually enjoy, the only other being dance. My body feels great, I feel in tune with myself, that I'm doing it right, and heading in a good direction. There's no tough love in yoga, its not anything you need to motivate yourself in order to do. Its no wonder to me now that I could be so distrustful of every workout program I've ever heard, people use every kind of psychological trick imaginable to get themselves to even attempt it. The reward for success just seems cheap to me, do people really care about looking good That Much? I believe in health and fitness for all, but at what cost? If I don't enjoy what I'm doing, I'm wasting my life. Period.
So yoga is a joy for two reasons. Its a joy. And its a joy that's GOOD FOR ME! Can I get a AAAmen?
Second of all, of course yoga is more than an exercise. Its Hinduism at its finest, practically a religion itself. Its worship of the universe, the one consciousness, the instrument we've been given, and so much more. As an acute amateur, I have barely even tapped into the spiritual vastness waiting for me, or the potential I know I have in this way. I'm just stating that this is not some shallow thing for me.
But I have to say, I have never felt happier in my body. And that is a good and spiritual thing in itself.
Not that anyone needs to know, but I skipped my Tuesday at 5:30pm to rest, and got my period at about midnight. Miserable in pain and then hopped up on Midol (caffeine), its late and I'll be missing my 10:00am too. Nevermind, though, there's more classes than I could ask for. I am loving experiencing the different instructors (have had a different one each of my four times)! And the people attending class are just as interesting as anything. I am trying to learn the Sanskrit names for the poses as well as my instructors names! Don't I feel bad about that.
Saturday 10:30, Yoga Basics My first class. Instructor: Peter. Early forties, or possibly just early male pattern baldness. Stocky and strong, large muscles, a very adorable belly, and I found out after class, devastatingly pure almond-copper eyes. He didn't usually teach the basics, so as he struggled to simplify things for us, I thrived in my first experience. Breathing, my body singing, he caught me serenely smiling up at him. He grinned and instructed the room, breathe, Smile. Which he got to saying for the rest of the 75 minutes. Extra satisfaction there. I enjoyed it even more when he demonstrated the advanced level Sun Salutation- with leaping between poses instead of gliding into them. He was so comfortable and strong, I was adoring his body- and his belly. Giggles.
Monday 10:00 Yoga Basics Instructor: Ronnie. Older gent, tall and sinewy. Touchy feely style of teaching. He clearly understands his practice and spirituality, but that is not what I respond best to. I was missing Peter immediately. But yoga is yoga, and if you do it right, you will experience new wonders each time. Even though Ronnie taught us the basics more basically, it was tougher. Slower, more intense, more focused. I was still sore from Saturday, too. Again I had trouble focusing during Savasana, how we end class, flat on our backs for ten minute silent meditation. I figured that would come with time. Eventually I will learn how to focus throughout the entire class instead of just trying to pull off the poses. I experienced my first chanting of Om, and it was very beautiful.
Monday 5:30 Move, Breathe, Glisten. My first mixed-level class (Hey, i only have one month, I have to get the most of it!). Instructor- Mystery woman! I didn't catch her name, but I loved her as soon as she started to speak. Strong personality. Started the class with a beautiful speech about transformation we undergo. It was a little daunting, considering I am at the beginning of my transformation and all of those people were way ahead of me. My first impression of the class was- Huge! The studio was packed with people of all kinds! The challenge was definitely apparent. Nothing totally new, variations of what I had already learned. It was humbling to see much older people schooling me in balance and flexibility. As a young person I also pride myself in being relaxed and focused, but I know that I was nowhere near in the zone, and many people in the room were in a place I want to be right now. I look forward to more lessons to be learned like this.
Tuesday 10:45 am. SORE! Gentle Yoga. Instructor: Donna. Older woman, gentle and fairylike. Wise and understanding soul. The people in there were all women in their forties and up. This class accommodated for fragile bodies. On mats there were chairs for balance and straps for gentle stretching. The yoga was satisfying on my tender muscles, and yes I still found a challenge in the hamstring stretch (my biggest hindrance, I learned quickly). The most wonderful thing about this class was the camaraderie, the womanhood. Like mystery instructor the night before, Donna opened with a beautiful talk about the world spinning around us, and the challenge it is to stay centered and focused. But no matter what happens, we have ourselves, and we can still come to our yoga to give this gift to ourselves so that we can be a gift to the universe. I felt a great connection building in the room, the women sympathizing with each other. Throughout the class there was all kinds of understanding, laughing about bumping into each other, variating poses for greater ease to limited abilities... It was very satisfying. At the end of the class, after Savasana, we sat together and chanted Om again. I listened to Asatoma Sadgamaya for the first time, and was deeply quieted by the mutual connection there. Instead of hauling it out of the studio like the three times before, I hung around, used the restroom, smiling at the women as they left, chatted with Donna for a second, and found myself one of the last ones out.
So, since its five am, I think I'll wait until this evening for my next class. Back to basics, again. My goals are now to work on my foundation, energy, connection, focus, alignment. I believe the strength and flexibility will come.
Goodnight and
Namaste.
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