I can be pretty moody. I'm emotional, I have mood swings frequently. But its starting to set in that this spell isn't going away. It seems that I just keep going along in this funk of being without excitement or intrigue. Its exceptionally lonely, which is a lonely word in and of itself. I feel like the closest friend I have right now is my sister. I just keep big eyes open to the occurrences of the day, occurrences that happen around me, but seem to have nothing to do with me. I apologize for talking about myself so much. I apologize for being so self-centered and arrogant of others. I wish there was a magical way to make it go away, to snap myself out of it, to become a part of the real world again. But it seems that Saturn has called me to be among his numbers. Children of Saturn are predisposed to melancholy, as well as wisdom and self-inflicted isolation. God, the more I talk, the more of an egotist I sound. Thomas Moore said, in Care of the Soul, that Saturnine moods deserve the individual's respect. Depression, when contemplated and thoughtfully allowed, has gifts of its own to bring to the soul. It fosters wisdom, maturity, substantiation of the personality. In these words, living, however sad, sounds beautiful and poetic and idealistic. But in reality, I have been taught since birth that I am in charge of myself, the best plan is the most aggressive plan. Care of the soul is about listening, respect, care and attention. There's no methodology. So then I'm left with listening to my own depressive thoughts, contemplating empty dreams, and allowing the bitterness to emerge. Bitterness, coldness, isolation. Its as blunt and lonely as an empty store. Once a haven of bustling joys and lively agendas, its nothing but a vat of dry memories and stale air circulating.
More on Saturn's tendencies...
http://avalon100.tripod.com/Saturn.html
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